What is a Woman?

She casts new life.

She establishes new people.

Neglect her, and she sinks.

Harm her, and she’ll freeze your bones.

Found her.

Hail Murakami!

This Spring my fifth adult graduated high school. This means I only have one more kid to get ready to face the world. This was meant to be the moment when I reclaimed my life for my own work. This hasn’t been going as I expected. Cheaper by the Dozen notwithstanding raising six kids is tremendously taxing. Somewhere in there I realized I was alone in trying to meet certain goals, and I sat down. Not completely, I still demanded six hours a week to do something of my own, but even that declined when we moved away from my writing support system. I found myself struggling to get up in the morning. There are medical factors contributing, but it felt like my time was slipping through my fingers untouched. I tried all kinds of strategies to get up, but I haven’t had much luck.

Which is why when I heard about Haruki Marukami’s crazy writing routine I was willing to try it. For one thing he gets up at four in the morning, ok, I’m trying for five, and makes his breakfast after which he writes for four to six hours. I’d been trying to regain ground slowly, but I wonder what will happen if I just jump over the Maginot Line for neurologically fresh territory. It seems plausable at least. Marukami then does strenuous exercise before settling into reading and relaxing. He goes to bed at 9:30, something I am already doing in my efforts to wake up. 

So, I’m doing it. It’s only been three days, but five am is fresh territory. I’m all kinds of wobbly, but breakfast puts a positive spin on putting my feet on the floor. While my adherence to the official schedule is sloppy at best I have produced work. I’ve been a little desperate to produce work, and the work came with insight into my character and the voice of my novel. Five am is also free time because no one in my family needs me in anyway at all at that time. I’m not being selfish writing then. I’m reclaiming a vital resource. It may be crazy, but it’s worth a strong effort. 

 https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/06/09/the-running-novelist

Not a Damn Thing

 I like to think things through, so when I was thinking about having children I invested a lot of time in “what if” scenarios. What if they were ill and died, or got in an accident and died or were supremely selfish and died? What if they did things that hurt me or embarrassed me? What if they were exceptionally wicked? What if everything went wrong and nothing went right? Would I still want to be a mom under those circumstances? Until I was absolutely sure about the answer to that I kept thinking, and in the end I decided I wanted to be a mom no matter what shape that journey would take.

This led to a conversation I have with my children usually around middle school age. I tell them plainly and without reservation that there is not a damn thing they could do that would make me not love them. I walk them through a few possibilities until I’m pretty sure they’ve got it. I’ve been really blessed and things have gone well for me. I am so proud of them and proud to be their mother. But if anything should change, my love won’t. 

When You’re Ready

 

 I’ve wanted to read A Brief History of Time for a long time. However it meant choosing between satisfying my curiosity and remaining a member of a community that I loved and that loved me. Choosing between mother and a physicist that showed up on PBS occasionally was an easy choice in the beginning. As the decades past I must have visited with ABHOT dozens of times in bookstores and libraries, but praise Barnes and Noble they finally put out the right edition at the right price and I quit resisting the irresistible. I had already accepted Stephen Hawking as a teacher thanks to his excellent PBS series. I’ve let the book sit around for what seemed an appropriate amount of time, but now it's time to read it. Stephen Hawking is an excellent teacher, deftly creating the illusion of understanding. Mine is the illustrated edition and it does add a lot to the text. I wish I had read it way back when I had to make my birthday cash stretch. My comprehension at the advanced age of 51 is not what it was, but that’s ok, ABHOT waited for me this long, it won’t mind if I return to it regularly.

Thank you, Stephen Hawking, for writing it down and putting it within reach.

Bagging It!

 Efficiency always interests me. About a year ago I started a system that allowed me to carry my personal work with me wherever I wanted to go. It involved cheap plastic project bags and a large bag that housed them all. The whole thing was great except for the wear and tear on the bags and their contents. The time had come for a more permanent solution. These bags are the best system for the moment.

The first bag on the left houses my bullet journal, commonplace book and accoutrement. You don’t need to be that into your bullet journal, but I’m down a size and my productivity as I make a life pivot is going up. It’s worth a bag with a specific place for markers and stickers and such.

The second bag is for my cross-stitch. I make endless mistakes on my cross-stitch, but for some reason they are interesting instead of stressful. Figuring out how to fix things is relaxing, plus there is all those beautiful threads, fabrics and patterns. I don’t do a lot that doesn’t serve some practical purpose, so cross-stitch is a nice change of pace.

The third bag is my reading/writing bag. I am currently writing a history through literature curriculum that requires reading a lot of texts. I have each text assigned to a project bag, and I have the notebooks where I write down the lessons tucked into the bag with a clipboard with storage, my casual reading and a set of fine tip markers for brainstorming. The clipboard serves as a convenient writing surface when I want to work on my novel or other writing projects.

The last bag is the biggest bag Land’s End sells. I put all the other bags and my iPad into it, and I am ready to go no matter which muse should strike.

The only problem I have at the moment is the weight, but for now it’s worth it.

Solemn Man

Do you miss your Mommy?

She was mummyfried to make a point.

Teasus! I want to begotten.

Heart fooly recored,

Wail song,

These beautiful airs of god.

Real Bodies

The new trend toward including larger bodies in magazines, catalogs and store manikins takes so much stress out of shopping. I want to high five the manikins in the store. I love the feeling that I am beautiful too. The greater variety and kinds of clothes available for larger women is a plus too. Everyone wants what is on the model and now everyone can have it.