Life Verse

When I was growing up having a "life verse" was a big deal.  Grown-ups trotted them out on testimony nights, and we kids did our best to figure out which Scripture would steer us right.  The inescapable classic was Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
It was the kind of thing where an evangelist could step out from behind the pulpit, smile at the assembly, and ask, "How many of you are guided through life by Proverbs 3:5-6?" and two-thirds of the audience woud raise their hands.  This meant, Proverbs 3:5-6 was one of the few pieces of Scripture not up for consideration by me.
My first choice was Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger."  I had/have a temper problem, and I like the blunt approach.  The ironic problem was the precision of the verse left everything else to wobble, and it required explaining when the second tier evangelists asked us children about our life verse.  All that explaining made me sound like an idiot.  The Lord nudged me toward Proverbs 3:5-6, but I was still too proud.  I wanted to find something exciting and esoteric.  So I read Malachi, Haggai and everything else, but only one Scripture seemed to fit--Proverbs 3:5-6.
I gave in and I'm glad I did.  Every time I think I really understand it, it shows me a new face, and I glory in its depths.  It has been a hope, a road, a handhold.  I have spent nights reciting it.  Where Malachi may have made me look smart, Proverbs 3:5-6 has made me look out of myself and onto hope.

Failures

 

I tend to write about things I find that I'm pleased with.  The disappointments merely collect in the lower cupboard waiting for me to decide when to completely give up.  Unfortunately Spelling Power had me fooled for three years.  All the research seemed to be in place, but no matter how long I followed the system, Rosie still can't spell.  It's the first thing that made me question the value of homeschooling curriculum

Veritas Press is great in that it values traditional literature.  It's horrible in that it values traditional perspectives.  I liked this because it had real chops, but then when I read through parts I found myself profoundly uncomfortable with the perspective on women.  There were other things too that set my teeth ajar.   It's a beautiful book.  It commends excellent literature.  It would fit right in back a century or two.

I like to teach the kids all together when I can.  It's an ideal that a number of curriculum strive for,but nothing got me quite as excited as The Weaver curriculum.  Based on a chronological tour of the Bible, all the subjects other than math were taught with all the kids in one class.  This was so exciting.  I just pulled out pages and we were all ready to go for the day.  The trick was, the only thing that was taught well was the Bible.  Everything else was sub par.  It took me two weeks to realize I'd wasted a lot of time and money.  We dug out old stuff from previous years and searched up inexpensive things to get us through.  Don't waste your money on this.  It's a good idea, but badly done.

if then

running away

no threat

comes when called

no enemy
ashes and dust
give ground

Relent, Regret

institutional bitterness

"You're Marguerite Donnelly's granddaughter," a stranger might say to me back home in Western Maryland.  Living side by side for generations, that said a lot.  It meant I was a Durr.  Durrs are prized for their intelligence and empathy.  They are derided for their emotionalism and vanity.  The next thing to figure out was the relationship between our families.  No one  pulled out guns, but if there was bad blood things cooled off.  Even within families offenses festered.  My great-grandfather didn't speak to his twin brother for thirty years.  He'd stepped off his train because he believed in the union, and his brother had stepped right on because he needed the job.
Living like that is frightening, but it becomes engrained, a point of honor.  It was everywhere I went, just like the pure mountain water.  When I became a Catholic I realized that those habits had to change.  I had to find a new way to live.
"Go forth to love, serve and forgive one another." is one of the things the priest says after mass.  For a while it was so convicting that I thought he said it every week.  Everywhere I went in the Church, I kept bumping into forgiveness and I started to try.
I tried a lot of things, but struggled until I drew on another Durr strength--storytelling. I had a nasty habit of reviewing wrongs and framing them up in such a way that the listener would be moved to take up arms on my behalf.  In the middle of such a reminiscence, common sense said, "This is not forgiving."  So, right there, where the story was most juicy, I forgave.  I forgave all of it, even the emotional impact.  It has turned out to be a very worthy exercise, and my heart is much lighter.
We all have accreted prejudices of many kinds, but those supported by the communities that support us are the worst and most difficult to relinquish.

Poor Pour Pore

Ok, it's not that bad, but it feels like it is.  Middle-age acne has been worse than anything I had in adolescence.  Sometimes it feels like I'm oozing puss from every pore.  I keep trying different solutions and they work for a while and then there's some kind of allergic reaction and it's worse.  Evidently this is my body's last flourish and hope for reproducing, but I'll only have ink and paper babies from now on. 
I've considered makeup, but I feel like David in Saul's armor.  I gave up cosmetics after a summer in stage makeup, and I still prefer to meet people as I am.  There are times and places for such things, but not everyday.  So, everyday I wince, smear on the latest remedy, and go out. 
I've taken my appearance for granted.  I've been comfortable in my own skin, but previous to now, my skin was comfortable.  It's reminded me of others who have no choice about an upsetting appearance, they either live with our stares or stay home and skip living.  Hopefully this opportunity will make me more open to the brave souls around me.

Czech, Czech, Czech

Pursuing God

The deeper the experience of an absence of meaning - in other words, of absurdity - the more energetically meaning is sought. 

Vaclav Havel 

Focused on Family

Just as the constant increase of entropy is the basic law of the universe, so it is the basic law of life to be ever more highly structured and to struggle against entropy. 

Vaclav Havel

Learning to Forgive, Even Myself

Modern man must descend the spiral of his own absurdity to the lowest point; only then can he look beyond it. It is obviously impossible to get around it, jump over it, or simply avoid it. 

Vaclav Havel

Generally Healthy

I think it's important for one to take a certain distance from oneself. 

Vaclav Havel  

Remembering Optimism

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good. 

Vaclav Havel

Using My Gifts

If we are to change our world view, images have to change. The artist now has a very important job to do. He's not a little peripheral figure entertaining rich people, he's really needed. 

Vaclav Havel 

thank you, Brainy Quote.com

My Favorite Alien

His excellent sense of fashion and his amazing blue eyes aside, Griffin the Arcanian from MIB III is the best alien character ever invented. His ability to see many possible futures at once makes him fascinating, and his realistic compassion touches the heart.  I wish I had his gift.
When we have a family crisis around here--of the imminent spilled milk, personal injury, or destroyed property kind, my husband leaps into action.  I freeze.  I want to know that I truly understand the situation before I try something that might make it worse.  Generally his swift catch saves the day, but he's learned to respect my perspective.  Between the two of us we do the best that can be done most of the time.
Taking the long view means I have lots of time to second-guess my decisions, to reconsider even if they can't be changed.  My fascination with the optimal means I reexamine failures or less than optimal outcomes frequently to determine if there is a principle to be learned or a technique to be refined.  The upside is that when I do choose a plan it is unlikely to fail.  The downside is that I seldom think my plans are good enough to act on.
My forties seem like a good time to shake that up, to do a few things I'm not sure of.  I'm ready to make mistakes.  Mistakes are many things, but they are seldom the end of the world--unless K forgets to leave a tip.