Shades of Grey

Growing up I belonged to the Fundamentalist crowd. Grey was a bad word. Life was clear, and easy. We all knew who the good guys were and who the bad guys were, and the decisions that life called on us to make were simple. Vote for the good guys. Ignore the bad guys. I gave up looking at life in that way two years ago, but only now am I beginning to understand the trade. I never realized how uncertainty would dog my thoughts, and how difficult those grey decisions would be. It never occurred to me that my whole family would be affected by those grey thoughts and choices. I was just reaching for the better way.
Perhaps I haven't found it yet. Perhaps my apprenticeship is only begun. Part of me wants to run home where faith is a consumer product, conveniently packaged and on sale. Part of me knows I just can't anymore. But what kind of faith am I giving my children? What have I taught them about God and living in a relationship with him? It feels like all I've taught them is that church is hard. Living in the body is painful. I want them to have the same transcendent confidence that sparkled through the beginning of my faith life, but then again I'm a better person and a better Christian since I accepted the difficulty of an adult faith.
Sometimes the greatest act of faith I can muster is the most simple, I keep breathing. I keep breathing in the hopes that somehow it will get better, or it will make sense, or something will come right again. Sometimes that breathing leads to little victories and life becomes easier. Sometimes I even find joy in just breathing. One more day with my husband. One more day with the kids. One more day of hoping and watching for God to show up. One more day of realizing that breathing is sign enough that God has shown up. One more difficult day of doing the best I can to do the right thing well, even in the shades of grey